Chocolate & No Poop in Tub

I feel I need to get something off my chest. I have personally eaten nearly an entire bag of dark chocolate chips over the course of last 5 days or so. Every time I walk by I sneak a few. It has to stop. I tried putting them away. But of course since I know where I put them it doesn't really deter me. I even considered brushing my teeth so it wouldn't appeal to me to eat chocolate...but guess what...chocolate and mint go great together.

And as for the poop in the tub...last night I come upstairs to where daddy is supervising C's bath time. I had to add some boiling water to the tub, Laura Ingalls style, because we are having a problem with the hot water. I am about to pour in the water when I see a strange brown mass under the water. Aaaaaaaaaahhh!

No poop in tub! Hubby says, "I knew you were pooping!" I guess she just had to go a little and it was too much fun to be in the tub so why bother getting out when I can pinch a little right here and just finish the rest later...well I whisked her to the potty and she proceeded to finish the poop and we had a very serious discussion about not pooping in the tub. Of course I'm cracking up the whole time because she's looking at me so seriously saying, "No Poop in Tub."

Ok...maybe it's not all that funny. But I sure thought it was. She was pretty upset that bathtime was cut short but I had to soap her down and then scrub the tub and then clean all the bathtoys! And after that particular bath I have to say she didn't give off that fresh, clean baby aura she usually does. I just didn't want to snuggle quite so close.

Off for my morning chocolate ;-)

Oh...and one more fun thing about having another girl...the knitting! Ruffles, pink, ribbons, lavendar etc. Knitting for a boy almost isn't even worth it ;-) Am I just trying to convince myself that it will be ok to only have one dingle dangle around here? Or am I trying to convince myself that I really will only have 2 children and this really will be the last time so I better embrace it?

Ok..now I really need the chocolate.

Spring

Can someone explain to me how 33 degrees actually feels warm?

Figured I'd take a moment to write something a tad more positive than my last post. I don't know if I was just over tired or hormonal but I don't even remember who wrote that last post ;-)

We have just recovered from some of the worst colds in history and this lovely warm weather (i.e., anything above freezing) has lifted everyone's spirits. My basil seeds are sprouting and I even saw signs that my peppers might actually sprout too! We just found out that baby #2 is a girl so we don't have to buy any clothes and I get to paint the girls' room whatever girl color I want (and they can share the bedroom for a long long time and we won't have to move to a bigger house).

I need to dash because someone is calling for me and I've got cleaning to do!

Lost It

I'd call this post "Losing It" except that I think I've already "Lost It." What's "It?" It's everything...patience, love, hope, desire, serenity...Whatever it is that keeps you from yelling at your toddler until your throat hurts. Whatever it is that keeps a person going day in and day out and prevents them from deserting their family.

And what could I possibly truly have to complain about? We have a home, food, lots of things we like, health, good family and friends. My child is perfectly healthy and normal in every sense. Yet I am completely miserable. Another child grows inside me and all I can think is that I've made a terrible mistake because I am not capable of raising even one child. What could have possibly made me think I could care for two - in a manner they deserve to be treated anyway?

I can't stand anything about her lately. Everything little thing she does drives me insane. I don't even think for a second that she's doing anything wrong either. I know all problems are within me. I don't expect her to listen, to understand, to obey, to "behave." I know she doesn't think there is anything wrong with dumping out her container of nuts in the car. Or does she? I have begun to feel manipulated and used. Has she learned to push my buttons or I have lost my capacity to see her as a two year old with limited understanding of how the world works?

Bedtime is out of control. Nap time has suddenly gotten ugly again after months of ease and serenity. And she isn't the problem at all. It is me. It is my husband. It is our relationship, our home, our schedules, our expectations and our exhaustion. He tells me to relax..she's only two..she doesn't mean it..blah blah blah. I would feel the same way if I spent only a few hours at a time with her. He says he knows how I feel. But he can never know. I don't expect him to. He simply cannot ever truly appreciate or understand, as much as he wants to, what this is like. It is my experience not his. He can handle and experience things however he wants. I will always only things my own way from my own vantage point.

Today I was sharing some frustration with two other mothers of toddlers...mothers I felt I had a lot on common with. It doesn't even help. They started talking about some of their "strategies" like taking away toys and time outs. My eyes glazed over. This wouldn't work for me. My daughter is not the one "misbehaving." It's me. Should someone take my toys away? Should someone put me in a time out? What would I learn from that exactly? Or maybe I'm way off. Should there be a consequence for throwing the nuts on the floor? Deep down when I go inside her head I can imagine she is tired, doesn't want to be in the car, she's too hot with her long johns, boots, coat and hat...mommy doesn't want to answer me, she just turns up the radio, I wanted to play outside and she made me get in the car...I want more banana but she gave me these nuts. I don't want nuts.

So what consequence is there? I was pissed. I told her I was very unhappy she did it. What else could I do? When all is said and done it was probably 20 cents worth of nuts. And the real issue is that I just wanted her to sit quietly in the car because there's nothing else I could have done about it. We had to go home. It's the only way to get home. I had offered everything. I had said all I could say. Why couldn't she just be quiet for 10 minutes?

Right now she is supposed to be napping. But instead she came back downstairs and is "playing." She keeps coming to me and wanting my attention and I keep telling her that I need to work on the computer and she'll need to play alone if she doesn't want to sleep. She is tired. She is crabby and had a rough morning. Everything was setting her off. She cried every five minutes about something or another. I am crabby and tired too. I was all ready for my own "nap."

Stuff that normally doesn't bother me is driving me nuts. I am barely able to mantain my composure. Even with the most basic of interactions. Every request is a whine.

I am not the person I want to be. Unfortunatley I don't even feel like trying anymore.