Lost It
I'd call this post "Losing It" except that I think I've already "Lost It." What's "It?" It's everything...patience, love, hope, desire, serenity...Whatever it is that keeps you from yelling at your toddler until your throat hurts. Whatever it is that keeps a person going day in and day out and prevents them from deserting their family.
And what could I possibly truly have to complain about? We have a home, food, lots of things we like, health, good family and friends. My child is perfectly healthy and normal in every sense. Yet I am completely miserable. Another child grows inside me and all I can think is that I've made a terrible mistake because I am not capable of raising even one child. What could have possibly made me think I could care for two - in a manner they deserve to be treated anyway?
I can't stand anything about her lately. Everything little thing she does drives me insane. I don't even think for a second that she's doing anything wrong either. I know all problems are within me. I don't expect her to listen, to understand, to obey, to "behave." I know she doesn't think there is anything wrong with dumping out her container of nuts in the car. Or does she? I have begun to feel manipulated and used. Has she learned to push my buttons or I have lost my capacity to see her as a two year old with limited understanding of how the world works?
Bedtime is out of control. Nap time has suddenly gotten ugly again after months of ease and serenity. And she isn't the problem at all. It is me. It is my husband. It is our relationship, our home, our schedules, our expectations and our exhaustion. He tells me to relax..she's only two..she doesn't mean it..blah blah blah. I would feel the same way if I spent only a few hours at a time with her. He says he knows how I feel. But he can never know. I don't expect him to. He simply cannot ever truly appreciate or understand, as much as he wants to, what this is like. It is my experience not his. He can handle and experience things however he wants. I will always only things my own way from my own vantage point.
Today I was sharing some frustration with two other mothers of toddlers...mothers I felt I had a lot on common with. It doesn't even help. They started talking about some of their "strategies" like taking away toys and time outs. My eyes glazed over. This wouldn't work for me. My daughter is not the one "misbehaving." It's me. Should someone take my toys away? Should someone put me in a time out? What would I learn from that exactly? Or maybe I'm way off. Should there be a consequence for throwing the nuts on the floor? Deep down when I go inside her head I can imagine she is tired, doesn't want to be in the car, she's too hot with her long johns, boots, coat and hat...mommy doesn't want to answer me, she just turns up the radio, I wanted to play outside and she made me get in the car...I want more banana but she gave me these nuts. I don't want nuts.
So what consequence is there? I was pissed. I told her I was very unhappy she did it. What else could I do? When all is said and done it was probably 20 cents worth of nuts. And the real issue is that I just wanted her to sit quietly in the car because there's nothing else I could have done about it. We had to go home. It's the only way to get home. I had offered everything. I had said all I could say. Why couldn't she just be quiet for 10 minutes?
Right now she is supposed to be napping. But instead she came back downstairs and is "playing." She keeps coming to me and wanting my attention and I keep telling her that I need to work on the computer and she'll need to play alone if she doesn't want to sleep. She is tired. She is crabby and had a rough morning. Everything was setting her off. She cried every five minutes about something or another. I am crabby and tired too. I was all ready for my own "nap."
Stuff that normally doesn't bother me is driving me nuts. I am barely able to mantain my composure. Even with the most basic of interactions. Every request is a whine.
I am not the person I want to be. Unfortunatley I don't even feel like trying anymore.
And what could I possibly truly have to complain about? We have a home, food, lots of things we like, health, good family and friends. My child is perfectly healthy and normal in every sense. Yet I am completely miserable. Another child grows inside me and all I can think is that I've made a terrible mistake because I am not capable of raising even one child. What could have possibly made me think I could care for two - in a manner they deserve to be treated anyway?
I can't stand anything about her lately. Everything little thing she does drives me insane. I don't even think for a second that she's doing anything wrong either. I know all problems are within me. I don't expect her to listen, to understand, to obey, to "behave." I know she doesn't think there is anything wrong with dumping out her container of nuts in the car. Or does she? I have begun to feel manipulated and used. Has she learned to push my buttons or I have lost my capacity to see her as a two year old with limited understanding of how the world works?
Bedtime is out of control. Nap time has suddenly gotten ugly again after months of ease and serenity. And she isn't the problem at all. It is me. It is my husband. It is our relationship, our home, our schedules, our expectations and our exhaustion. He tells me to relax..she's only two..she doesn't mean it..blah blah blah. I would feel the same way if I spent only a few hours at a time with her. He says he knows how I feel. But he can never know. I don't expect him to. He simply cannot ever truly appreciate or understand, as much as he wants to, what this is like. It is my experience not his. He can handle and experience things however he wants. I will always only things my own way from my own vantage point.
Today I was sharing some frustration with two other mothers of toddlers...mothers I felt I had a lot on common with. It doesn't even help. They started talking about some of their "strategies" like taking away toys and time outs. My eyes glazed over. This wouldn't work for me. My daughter is not the one "misbehaving." It's me. Should someone take my toys away? Should someone put me in a time out? What would I learn from that exactly? Or maybe I'm way off. Should there be a consequence for throwing the nuts on the floor? Deep down when I go inside her head I can imagine she is tired, doesn't want to be in the car, she's too hot with her long johns, boots, coat and hat...mommy doesn't want to answer me, she just turns up the radio, I wanted to play outside and she made me get in the car...I want more banana but she gave me these nuts. I don't want nuts.
So what consequence is there? I was pissed. I told her I was very unhappy she did it. What else could I do? When all is said and done it was probably 20 cents worth of nuts. And the real issue is that I just wanted her to sit quietly in the car because there's nothing else I could have done about it. We had to go home. It's the only way to get home. I had offered everything. I had said all I could say. Why couldn't she just be quiet for 10 minutes?
Right now she is supposed to be napping. But instead she came back downstairs and is "playing." She keeps coming to me and wanting my attention and I keep telling her that I need to work on the computer and she'll need to play alone if she doesn't want to sleep. She is tired. She is crabby and had a rough morning. Everything was setting her off. She cried every five minutes about something or another. I am crabby and tired too. I was all ready for my own "nap."
Stuff that normally doesn't bother me is driving me nuts. I am barely able to mantain my composure. Even with the most basic of interactions. Every request is a whine.
I am not the person I want to be. Unfortunatley I don't even feel like trying anymore.
posted by Janice at 11:01 AM
1 Comments:
awe bubby... {hugs}. this sucks sucks sucks... I don't have the answer for you, but you're right-on that time outs/punishment are not the way to go. This is how I am in the morning, almost every morning, with Bub. It's not his fault, he just wants us to get up with him, make him breakfast, I mean... what the hell right? I just don't have the patience for his usual level of demand and insistence and volume (esp while trying to keep the baby asleep, etc).
Anyway, some thoughts from me are... maybe you need more time away, sometimes a standing momma night out for yourself helps (either with other momma company, or alone). Before we moved, my friend Jeanne and I did a MNO every Tuesday night (or at least tried). Any chance you could hire a mother's helper to come over and play with C while you are taking a nap or just doing something else, ALONE?? I know a set of 13 yo homeschooled twins who do this, lmk if you want their info.
You've seemed really exhausted when I've seen you (and I don't have anything to base it on b/c I didn't know you when you were pg with C, so this may be normal for you). How's your protein intake? Poopoo on DH claiming he's vegan - eat meat if you need to! How's your iron? Have you ever been anemic? Might be worth it to take some floridax or a prental multi and see if that helps (I have some of the Rainbow nat. food prenatals that Heather never took if you want them - their just sitting in our cupboard looking pretty).
If you need a date for one of your momma nights out... give me a call... I'm ALWAYS game for sushi... or even just coffee/tea. {hugs}
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