Suddenly

Suddenly he is here where he wasn't before. A tiny force with simple needs. A pleasure to fulfill. It would be nice if we could push back the daily interferences. The pesky needs of others. The unfinished to-dos. The dust bunnies. But everything keeps moving forward so let's just hold on and enjoy the ride.

Instinct

Trust your instinct to the end, though you can render no reason. - Emerson

10 weeks

Hungry. Queasy. Exhausted. My unmade bed mocks me. But I feel surprisingly content amid the clutter and mess that has crept up on me these 10 weeks. Clean and folded laundry waits to be put away. Bags of unwanted belongings wait to be taken to Good Will. Paperwork to file. Gifts to be given. Thank you notes to be mailed. Floors to be vacuumed. Oh dear. Am I content with this?

I just feel like I need to land somewhere. I suppose true satisfaction comes from within.

Mommy Sandwich

In the darkness. Beneath the blankets. Head resting on my pillow. I sleep. Flat on my back with my arms pressed at my sides. 3 year old on my right. 3 month on my left. I am delicious mommy meat nestled between two slices of toasted baby body. Hold the mayo.

I guess one might call our arrangement *co-sleeping.* I'm not sure if there is a clear definition of co-sleeping. To me the term has meant finding ways to best meet the needs of each family member at night. Co-sleeping can be such a taboo subject in our culture yet so many families do it. I wonder about that at night as I listen to the soft breathing of my girls. Feel them move close to me and my warmth in their sleep. Keep them covered when they get cold or take off a layer when it gets too warm. Reach out and stroke a head or hold a hand when needed. Pull the little one in close to nurse, then doze back off together. In the morning I wake up to kisses and smiles.

So fo now I am comfortable in my role as mommy meat.

Rhythm

I have been wanting to post out here again but I've found it difficult to know where to start. I have a lot of things I'd like to say whether or not anyone is listening.

Today as I read the blog of another mama I was inspired. Something she wrote about expressed my feelings so perfectly. She wrote about rhythm.

"I think if there were one driving energy I've had since becoming a parent, it's been a search for rhythm. Rhythm in our yearly, seasonal and daily lives. Rhythm in our home and in our hearts. Sometimes - when we're struggling to find our groove - this challenge is more present in my mind. Then at other times - I don't even think about it until I realize we *are* in rhythm, and it feels just right." Full post on SouleMama's blog

My little family has been without rhythm for the past 5 months and it's absence seems to finally have taken it's toll. When Lee worked full time I created rhythm for me and Charlotte so that we could get through each day with as much joy and harmony as possible. When he quit his job to start the biz we lost our rhythm. It is all hard to explain. That is why I liked SouleMama's post so much.

I am hopeful that despite the impending uncertainty of our upcoming adventure our little family will find the beat again.

Read Me

Some force compells me to think about this blog, sitting out there on the internet all alone, with nothing but an old post to keep it warm.

So I am making a bold move. I am going to try and write on it more and I'm going to actually share it with people. I don't know if they'll care but I'll do it anyway. I'm just self absorbed enough to think they might read it.

Complete Sentences

Dirt
Originally uploaded by CalmMama.

This picture doesn't have much to do with this entry...but my blog is very bland and gloomy (sort of like this day) so I felt it needed a little Charlotte playing with ant piles to liven things up.

Today dh serves the last day of his sentence at TDBN. As of Monday there is no more one hour commute (each way), no more miserable co-workers, no more miserable Lewiston, no more wasting away behind his computer doing work he hates...and of course...no more paycheck.

I suppose I am slightly in denial of what this actually means for my lifestyle (like no more $10 fruit salad from the WO salad bar). I feel like we already live pretty lean...at least compared to the dual income days! Bag and shoe collection in bedroom closet is a frequent reminder of the precarious spending.

Anyway...we are now forging ahead with Zip Lens and planning on success.

As for everything else in my life I am doing quite well.

Confessions

Listening to Red Hot 95.9 [Hip Hop radio station] while I'm all alone at home working...painting...cleaning...cooking...and of course...groovin'!

Popping Newman's Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter cups...they are just soooo good.

Watching Sex and the City reruns on TBS.

Using white sugar (which is a really old remnant of my non-crunch days) in my baking just because I have it and want to use it up (and it's cheap).

Eating goat cheese (and other raw dairy products) while I'm pregnant.

Upon review of this list I see that I truly am boring and bordering on loser status.